Sunday, May 29, 2011

Crying in the bathroom stall

We are at a four day tournament for softball and I am posting this from my phone.  I've never tried this, so I hope it works.  I didn't really want to whine or complain anymore, but I have been really emotional.  Finally at dinner tonight, I ended up crying in the bathroom stall.

Going away for the long weekend, staying in a hotel, surrounded by lots of friends means lots of food.  I didn't realize how much of life revolves around food. At these tournaments there is an enormous amount of "fair" food:  kettle corn, nachos, hamburgers, hot dogs, cheese fries, etc.  The smells and sounds and sights are all around.  Then when the games are over, everyone goes out to celebrate.  Tonight we are at a pizza place. I couldn't take it anymore and just had to sob in the stall.  It just came out.  I prepared myself for this weekend and brought protein shakes and lots of soft foods that were allowed.  So even though I am not hungry, I am still sad that I am not able to participate in all the festive eating.

I am not regretting this surgery because I know that when I am thin I will be estatic and so thankful.  But I am wondering if this sadness will go away.  I feel like I am in mourning over my past ways and eating all my big portions and junk food.  In front of me are slices of pizza, wings, and fried potatoes.  I am sipping decaf iced tea and had a piece of cheese before we came.  So when will this feeling end?  Have any of you ever been through this?  I am sure this soft food stage would be much easier if we were home and wasn't surrounded by sights and smells.

I am sure this post is disjointed, using blogger on my phone.  But I already feel better writing this out.  This blog is mainly therapy and to offer any advice and support, and to gain advice and support.  So thanks for reading and the support I feel when I see comments!


Jacquie said...

You will get to the point where you can eat some of what you feel like you are missing now Sandy. The healing phase is the hardest part weather its VSG or Band surgery. I remember before I got my band thinking "I will never be able to eat bread, or pasta or pizza or wings or whatever" and guess what? That was not true! I found out that I could eat these things, a lot less than previously but I could eat them. Then I thought that maybe it would have been better if I couldn't eat them as these are the things that made me fat to begin with!

In any event, it is hard to be away from your comfort zone during this period. I give you a lot of credit. I will be going to disney for 2 days to meet up with my sister a little over a week after my surgery in June. As much as I am looking forward to seeing my sister and niece, I dread leaving home!

Sheila said...

Awww Hugs Sandy! Changing our relationship with food IS hard work. And you are also a big mixture of emotions, still healing, etc. so I think you reaction is pretty normal. Hang in there IT does get better!!!

Oh and YAY I can finally comment!

The Ferguson Family: said...

Hi Sandy!
I stumbled on your blog through Sheila's. I just want you to know that I felt the exact same way about 2 wks into it when we had a church cookout. I just left because I couldn't take it. But after that everything has been uphill and wonderful!

I too have a blog to share my journey. It's Visit anytime :-) Thankis so much for sharing your journey!

Sandy said...

Thanks,girls, for the encouragement! It really does help. It helps to know that this is temporary and soon I will be able to eat my favorites, just in small amounts. I was reading some posts on about sleeve-friendly restaurants and that made me feel so much better. I now know that I will be able to go out and enjoy food again, I just have to be patient and wait this beginning stage out.

@TheFergusonFamily, thanks for your comment :) I am now following your blog, too. I have been reading more on the first few weeks after surgery and it seems common to go through a period of sadness. It wasn't fun, but I am hoping it will only be for a short period.

@Sheila, YAY~ so glad you can comment again. Missed seeing your posts :)

Kimberly said...

I dont know really how to put my thoughts into words but I think you did an amazing job and made it through a situation in the past that would of caused anyone to just eat whatevers in site and I have read on here some new sleevers have done just that. So I am proud of you for being able to not eat that stuff that has landed us all on this site and to be strong and make it emotionally out of that stall and stand tall again...One day at a time, and like the old saying goes "Nothing tastes better then being thin and healthy"..........Good luck to you lady and stay strong :)